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Mountain Man's Global News Archive
A Dunce's Dictionary
"A Guide To The Disguise of Stupidity"
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Date: Monday, December 27, 1999 4:38 PM
From: 3TreesCondor@lexiconographics.com
Newsgroups: alt.final.frontier
Subject: Some Selections from "A Dunce's Dictionary"
A few selections from ...
'A Dunce's Dictionary'
Edited by ThreeTrees Condor,
Lexiconographics Inc.
"A Guide To The Disguise of Stupidity"
Advertising: Seduction of thought, language and behaviour, ubiquitous, powerful and subtle
Analgesia: Pleasant enough, but vaginalgesia still packs a wallop
Apathy: Not worth defining
Architecture: Exterior desecration
Art: Saying something
B.S - M.S - PhD: Bull Shit, More Shit, Piled higher and Deeper
Ballistics: Study of thrown objects. Gun powder and parliamentary privilege are the best propellants
Beauty: A catalyst for survival
Brainstorming: Corporate epilepsy
Client: French word for customer. English word for meal ticket for a snob
Colony: an epidemic
Common sense: All you know
Computer: World's worst office tool
Conscious memory: Cognition in protective custody
Corruption: ssshhhhh....
Crossword: Black and white whether spoken or heard
Definition:- The act of
Democracy: Easier if you don't watch the opinion polls or TV
Development: Benign in people, bewildering in property
Dictionary: The map is not the territory
Diplomacy: Sexual intercourse amongst eunuchs
Dissection: A parting of the ways - see bury the hatchet
Doubt: At it's best, it is the sound of foresight knocking on consequence's door.
Drug: Anything that kills you or keeps you alive. Refer Pablo Escobar for the former and Winston Churchill for the latter.
Economic rationalism: Another term for greed
Education: In part ingesting food through the eyes and ears - essential for healthy growth
Election: A hideous burden on the voter. Some spend two or three hours a year to comply, others are dying for it.
Ethics committee: Your friends
Fashion: Purgatory
Fast food: Slow death
Flattery: Dangerously believable, polite contempt may be appropriate
Friends: The people who tell you when you are a fool, then invite you to dinner
Good Intention: The nature strip beside the road to hell
Gourmet: I eat therefore I am
Haemorhage: Creative accountancy
Heart/Lung transplant: Coughing up another's phlegm
Heretic: There a tic, everywhere a tic tic
Hero: Courage in a coffin
Hope: The Infancy of desperation - the good die young
How to vote card: For people who dont know how to vote
Human rights: The institutionalised abrogation of common decency by substitution. Humans then pursue these rights white institutions satiate their own wants.
Hypocrisy: Plastic surgery on the larynx
Ideology: The gymnasium of dogma
Infection: Those responsible wash their hands of the matter
Insurance premium: A wager placed with misfortune's bookmakers.
Joint: A part of the body - once lit and inhaled
Land rights: Only on the land left
Law: Sodomised justice - the body remains intact but traumatised by the experience
Loneliness: An experiment in solitude
Management: Housework in drag. The home of the crave, bland of the free.
Moderation: Best in moderation
Money market: The traffic in fax copies of black and white photos of abstract paintings
Nationalism: The first refuge of the scoundrel
Oil: Manna from heathens
Oxymoron: No comment
Party politics: The humming of drums
Penis: The inflatable wife raft - see analgesia
Persistence: Much admired for being much admired
Philosopher: A lover of the idea of loving same ideas
Philosophy: The love of the idea of loving ideas
Postulate: I want what I want because I want it - see philosophy
Proactive: At the end of the day the bottom tine is you can touch base and take that on board.
Progress: A myth is as good as a mile
Puberty: The division of infancy and adultary
Public Relations practitioner: Liar for hire
Rancid: Preservative (220) added
Reflection: Shaving with a friend
Relative humidity: Evaporation due to incest
Religion: I know this thing that knows everything, but don't take its word for that, ask me.
Repentance: The mother of reform, a daughter of courage
Residential suburb: Luxury garages with servants quarters
Restraint: Impulse, the morning after the night before
Sad: Inevitable
Self help books: Always written by someone else
Selfish: I am not!
Sex: The only thing better than sex is sex with another person
Shopping mall: A cathedral of consumption. The summons to the faithful are called advertisements
Size: The most easily understood and misunderstood of dimensions
Sky scraper: Architectural viagra for company directors
Sterility: The nihilist's favored contraception
Struggle: Breathing
Suicide: Insanity, commonsense, failure, success - see beauty
Suit: A protective garment for those shorn of originality - see jesuit
Talent: Everywhere
Tautology: Twaddle in tandem
Television: Man's triumph over the "off" switch
The earth: A 3.5 billion year cold treasure chest with a nasty cough
The public: Anyone you don't know - or wished you didn't
The rule of law: the rule of lawyers
Think tank: Sophistry's house of pleasure
Tie: the corporate noose
Titration: varies with the age and size of the baby
Tolerance: Bigotry on a leash
Transistor: Your brother before her operation
Unconscious memory: Cognition
Vasectomy: The kindest cut of all
War: Two or more defence forces defending the guts out of each other
Weapon: Because it makes me feet like a man (if there is no weapon, then l feet like a woman)
Witness: The less said, the better - see lawyer
Writing: A dance by which a mind leads a pencil around a paper stage - Tango ergo sum?
Zeal: When all you have is a hammer, the world is a nail
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